Wednesday, January 13, 2016

"Confessions Of A Mom With Attachment Disorder"

A friend shared this article with me (please read HERE) after my last post.  I bawled all the way through it!

I AM NOT ALONE!

I'm so thankful to read that I'm not the only crazy black and frozen hearted you-know-what of a mother!  That doesn't get me off the hook, but it was so refreshing to feel known, if even by a stranger deal with the same stuff.

I do have grief I need to deal with regarding Tiki:

  • I still carry a lot of hurt and other feelings as a result of my three miscarriages.  And one of them above all because that baby would have been the same age as Tiki.  
  • I still carry loss--true and deep loss--for the Chinese daughter that was conceived in my heart and is still not in my family.  There is a big hole there with some bitterness and resentment towards Tiki (and Andy).
  • Tiki wasn't the child I headed to Rwanda for.  I would have never considered adopting an older child, but I had met another boy (Lionel) who stole my heart and I went back to get him.
  • I also struggled with Gabby right at first.  She wasn't easy and now that I sit back and think about it, she and I really had some stuff to get through.  (Maggie and I didn't attach at first either for that matter.)
Those are really big deals for me to be feeling just alone but also for me to be feeling and maybe (probably) holding against Tiki in some way.  I need to get help!

It was nice to read that the things I'm thinking--the reasons--are maybe valid:  she mentioned adopting a child that wasn't and infant and adopting out of birth order as well as adopting a child with a language barrier.  Check and check and check.

I'm encouraged--if only a little.  I think I'm encouraged because I can see at least one glaring area where I need help (those four issues--especially the first three--listed above).

But most importantly from this article, I AM NOT ALONE.  (And maybe--just maybe--not being alone makes me not quite as crazy!)

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