|The bouquet Maggie and her friends floated down the river from Sawyer's favorite thinking spot.|
I immediately texted Maggie to see what I could do for her and she, the typically chatty tester, was near silent. She just wanted to be at school around people. So I sat outside of the school, just wanting to hold on to my baby girl as she mourned and knowing that when she was ready, she would call. She did and we cried.
The pain is so real for her. Sawyer, that was his name. Sawyer, the happy and friendly kid who has been in school with her since we moved here. Sawyer, on of "the guys" on the soccer team. Sawyer, the one who's name was so awkwardly skipped during attendance yesterday in her first period class. Sawyer, the friend who seemed so happy at school on Monday. Sawyer, the dear 13 year old boy who left so many people with so many questions.
We had a good day together, but my heart was literally breaking piece by piece as I watched her try and wrestle with it. Why? Hays came home and only as he could do for her (they love each other SO VERY MUCH), he wrapped her in his arms and just let her cry as he hugged her. I'm so thankful for their friendship. And while my heart swelled with happiness at that picture of my big boy comforting his sister, my heart broke into more pieces. Why?
Maggie went to a student led memorial for Sawyer last night at the river where they all got to mourn together. And I stayed home where I found my big guy, Hays, struggling with some of the why's left in Sawyer's shadow. Sawyer's big sister is in Hays's circle of friends and he watched the pain unfold before his eyes at school all day yesterday. And I'm not sure what all was going through his head. I'm sure he was thinking about pain caused by others and I'm sure he was thinking about what kind of pain must have driven Sawyer to that decision and I bet he was thinking about Chase and how Chase didn't take his own life and how unfair everything seems to be. Why?
So, today I sent two melancholy teenagers to school today with their questions and I've been at home trying to work but just sitting here wondering why and trying not to wonder what if. My kids are hurting and I am hurting with them and for them and it feels like bigger than them because I so don't want them to hurt. It is breaking my heart to know the sadness Maggie is feeling and all of the unanswered questions going on in her head. It is sad to think about the other kids--the soccer guys who I saw sobbing in the hallways yesterday and the one who held on to me for dear life when I reached out to hug him. All of those kids with pain and unanswered questions. And then I think about Sawyer's family--his parents and sisters. And I can't even go there. I cannot even imagine. And I always come back to the happy and friendly kid who isn't in class today and why?
None of this makes sense. There are no happy words to shower on my kids. I can just hold them as they cry and love them with my whole being. Why will be left completely unanswered. There aren't instruction books for how to handle this right with your kids, so I am just hurting for them and with them and prayerfully they know that I'm here at all hours if they dig up more questions or more pain.