Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Some Things I'm Learning

God has me in an interesting (and really) hard place emotionally right now.  It is interesting because I am running all over the country hanging out with great people, working hard and having a great time, but on the inside He really is doing  number on my heart as He turns my world sideways.  You don't need to know all of the details, but there are things that I am struggling with and that I have been struggling with for five years now--but really they date back as far as I can remember.

I'm really trying to work on my self development in many areas as I cry out to God to show me the me I need to become.  I'm realizing that in many situations as I deal with certain people (Tiki and Andy for example) that I am the one who needs to change.  Period.  I have been working so hard to get others to change and God has made it painfully and exceedingly clear to me that I need to work on me--mostly because I can only control me.

When I went back to my Gran'ma's home this summer and stayed there without her it was the first time I really realized what a safe place her home was for me and what a safe person she was in my life (and I've written about this before).  I was talking on the phone to my dad this weekend and the words I had been thinking, but not ready to admit, came blubbering out of my mouth, "I have a need to be 'the favorite' and I was her favorite.  Now I don't have anyone who's 'favorite' I am and that is so scary for me."  That was an embarrassing and almost toddler-like admission to make.

I had just been to see a neat Christian counselor before I made that admission out loud (I didn't even make it to my counselor).  The counselor helped me see that I have a deep longing and thirsting desire to be loved and when I don't feel loved (which also looks like not feeling good enough), then I go into "super hero" mode and try to be more and more perfect so that I can be worthy of that person's love.  It is interesting how that cycle is the same for all of my relationships, but it presents itself in different ways depending on the person (Tiki and Andy in my case right now).

I am learning that I need to put my trust in God and not in people to accept me and to make me happy.  People may disappoint me, but it is not my responsibility to control them so that they don't (back to that fear thing I wrote about HERE).  For some reason, my fear, I have been trying so hard to control those I love this fall because I have been scared that they would disappoint (Tiki) me or hurt (Andy) me and I thought (wrongly) that if I could just "control" them, then I would be disappointed or hurt.  Wow.  That is warped!

I read something in a book yesterday:

Forgiveness means "to let go."  It means making courageous choices to rise above our pain.  We do that by taking positive action. . . .

LET GO. . . (the author was quoting another author here)
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try and change or blame another; it's to make the best of myself.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to let another be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, bu tot grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is is to fear less and love more.
To "let go" is to let God.

That was powerful for me!  It is amazing how God brings things quietly to my mind, then reaffirms them--in this case through a good book written by a wise woman and through a counselor who truly cares about me.

I'm a work in progress!  I have such a long way to go, but I think making that awful admission that I just long to be someone's favorite (unhealthy though it is) and the fact that I am realizing that I need to work on ME and not control others are huge steps towards my healing and my being a better version of myself.  I could type all day on this topic, but I have to run--school, work and five children need me more than this blog!  Pray for my healing if you want!  

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