Sunday, September 28, 2014

One Year Ago

Today marks one year since my Gran'ma died.  I don't miss her any less.  In fact, I think I miss her more today than I did a year ago.  It has been hard not having her--hard for many reasons.  Not a day goes by when I don't think, "I need to call Gran'ma. . ." about something.  Often I just want to chat or share something small with her.  But this year has been full of many big things, too, that I know she would love--taking the kids to Rwanda and Hays turning 16 are two biggies.

It amazes me how much her absence is noticed by me with regards to all of my other relationships.  I feel like she left a gigantic hole in my heart--a hole that is gaping because I feel like I have to stay on my toes with all of the relationships I have left on this earth.  I feel like there are tiny insecurities I have in each of my significant relationships and I never realized that fully until my Gran'ma was gone.  It is amazing what a difference it makes to go from being one person's favorite to having to be on my toes all of the time.  It has been exhausting on so many levels.  The great thing is that recently I have been able to communicate that with Andy and he has been helping me heal so that I don't feel so off balance.  I'm not even sure if all of that makes sense.

This picture is my lock screen on my phone.  It is so significant to me.  I almost dared God to let me down before she died.  I was in such a weird place with Him and I told him that I wanted to be alone with my Gran'ma holding her hand when she died.  It was kind of a dare because I knew that it couldn't happen.  I lived 18 hours away and my parents were always with her--if they weren't, someone was.  But God knew my heart and He heard my cry and He showed me that He hears me when I ask.  It was revolutionary for me (nearly).  It floored me that He allowed me to be in the room alone with my Gran'ma holding her hand when she died.  I felt so cared for in that moment.  And this picture has been a great reminder for me throughout the year that I am cared for.

I miss her.  It isn't getting better.  I know on many levels it will get better--I know that my pain will subside and I know that I will learn how to have confidence and security in my other relationships.  I know that I am just in a growing and learning place and that I won't be off balance for ever.  But for now, as I grow and learn, I miss my Gran'ma.  I miss knowing that I was a favorite (I do realize as I am writing this that I shared that thought with a few other people and that is fine--it was just nice having that belief).  She was my person and I will never be able to put into words all that she was to me and how completely she loved me. . . and I'm a little bit glad that I can't. . .it is just mine.

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