Friday, March 21, 2014

Fight, Flight, Freeze OR. . .

. . . curl up in bed and fall asleep?  That is my natural instinct to "attack" and I'm not sure if it falls in the flight or the freeze category.  Internally I for sure fight, when I get "attacked" emotionally, on the inside I have millions of wonderfully cutting things to say and ways to stand up for myself, but those never come out.  My immediate actual response is to want to curl up in my bed and get under the heaviest covers I can find and take a nap!

I'm not great with people.  I'm not 100% sure what it is about me, but I'm just not.  On a surface level (first impression stuff), I'm fine.  I'm happy and fairly sweet and fine.  (Unless I'm in a big group and then I'm an uncomfortable wall flower.)  Then as a super close and dear friend, I'm fine.  It's that weird and huge stage between first impression and soul mate where I struggle.  And this struggle presents itself in so many ways!

In my job, I'm just hard to read.  I come across as very unapproachable and as someone who will never be pleased.  Weird.  Why do I do that?  I feel like everyone misreads me and they feel like I am a monster (maybe not a monster, but I may as well be).  No matter how great my intentions, I seem to offend people quickly and thoroughly.

This happened yesterday.  My intentions were so great and pure and selfless and somehow all I helped were offended and even hurt.  (Do I have a relationship disability?  Maybe.)  I was sitting on the couch last night half stewing and half hurting and my sweet Maggie sat by me.  I hardly even had to explain the situation to her and she knew.  She knew exactly what I was feeling and she said, "I wish people could just get to know you and know that you're so nice and you only want to help and that you would never do anything to be mean.  People just don't get to know you."

So true.  I think the only people I don't consistently offend are my immediate family and my three closest friends.  Other than that I live in that relationship in between where I'm scary and awkward.

This incident last night made me so nervous/scared for summer because I'll be the Women's Director at Kivu again and it throws me into the place of my awful, my awkward and I am not looking forward to living in that place.

I need to work on myself.  This is an area I know I need to work on.  I need to be more approachable. I need for the semi-friend to get to know me on a level where we can understand one another.  I need for my great intentions to translate into helpfulness and not the opposite.  I need for people to see me the way Maggie sees me.  Why can't they?  Is it a protective wall I put up?  Is it. . . what?

All of that to say, I would just rather curl up in bed and take a nap than even face it, than even try and figure out how to be who I need to be.  Oh my, all of this ranting with no solutions. . . .

I just want people to really know me. . . hmmmmm. . . I just don't know what that actually means or how to really do that.  See.  This is why curling up in my cozy bed seems so much more appealing!

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