Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Time. . .

There is an appointed time for everything.  
And there is a time for every event under heaven--
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
                                                   -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Be miserable and morn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
                                                   -James 4:9
(The Message version says: hit rock bottom and cry your eyes out.)

That's where I am today--I feel like I've hit rock bottom and I've cried my eyes out.  (I haven't really hit rock bottom--I've been there and this isn't it, but I'm low today.)  I MISS MY GRAN'MA!!!!  Gosh, I miss her so badly today.  I actually yelled at her this morning--I yelled (yes, out loud), "I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO LEAVE ME!  I'M SO MAD AT YOU FOR LEAVING ME HERE!"  Pathetic.  Sad and pathetic.

I miss my person.  I miss knowing that I am someone's favorite.  Maybe that's the most pathetic part.  I'm almost 40 years old and I miss being someone's favorite.  That's pathetic.  Right?  Maybe that's not what I miss.  Maybe it is.  I cannot pin point it, but it is this gaping hole in my soul that is raw and oozing and painful.  Maybe loosing her is just an infection in a painful and raw wound I already had and the infection is making it all flare up.  I'm not really sure.  This is so foreign to me.

The weirdest part is that in no way do I want her back here like she was.  So, I'm not mad at her for dying.  I miss who she was several years ago.  So, why the mourning now when that person left years ago?  Why the longing and the missing and the frustration and the anger and the loss and the loneliness now?

But my real feeling today--right now--is that I just want to crawl in bed with her or crawl into her lap in her chair and have her hold me while I cry.  I just want to be held.  Back to that I'm almost 40 years old part.  What person my age just wants to crawl into her Gran'ma's lap and be held?  Is something wrong with me?  Am I totally warped?  I just don't know how to miss her.  And I don't know why is has hit me so deeply today.  Why won't the tears stop today?

Lately, I've had so many things I've wanted to tell her.  I pick up the phone at least once a day to call her.  So much is going on and she'd want to hear all about it--about Hays in the Civil Air Patrol and about how amazing Maggie is and about how we went sledding this weekend and about Dax's birthday coming up (which is also her anniversary).  And there are so many things she'd be proud of me for right now.  I want to share with her and I want to send her pictures and I want to talk to her.  Maybe its just been weeks of picking up the phone (sometimes even dialing) and then having to hang up all built up and then the dam broke today.  I don't know what it is.

Today must be my time to weep and mourn and then tomorrow I'll probably dance and laugh.  I'm not really enjoying this time today.  I miss my Gran'ma!

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