Sunday, September 15, 2013

Dear Gran'ma

Someone please print this and take it up to her house and read it to her.  Thank you in advance.
Dear Gran'ma,

Its okay for you to go.  Its okay for you to die and go to Heaven to be with your Savior who you worship with every breath you take and to be with Pappy, who is your true and never-ending love.  I tried to tell you that you could go while I was with you a month ago, but I couldn't say the words.  I loved rubbing your thumb and feeling you pat my arm way too much.  Daddy told me that I needed to give you permission to leave, but I just couldn't.  I love you so so so much and I have begun to mistake my breathtaking love for you for needing to have you here and that has turned into selfishness.  Please go.  You will be whole in heaven and you will be free from the body that is failing you here on earth.  And I will see you again, so I must hold onto that.

I know that I have told you before that I am terrified for you to leave me, and I am.  Who will love me with the massive unconditional force that your love is in my life?  Who's favorite will I be?  Who's girl will I be?  I'm your girl and you love me with a love I have never had to question or doubt.  I am so fortunate and blessed to have you and your deep love in my life.

I'm going to be so sad and so lonely when you go, but it will pass as our wonderful memories together fill those gaping wounds of pain that your absence will leave in my heart.  I have so many memories to cherish and to remember.  You have made me a better person and I know that you would be telling me (if it weren't you I was dying to hold onto), that I need to let you go and let you be happy and free and full again.  You'd get on to me a little bit about my selfishness that is holding onto you.  I'd shake my head and cry and know that you are right and I'd let you go.

Gran'ma, thanks for loving me so selflessly.  Thanks for not being afraid to dream with me.  Thanks for praying with me at night before we'd giggle until we slumbered.  Thanks for walking with me through the forest and for giving me space to play when I needed it.  Thanks for supporting me completely in everything I did even without words.  Thanks for always having time for me and for giving me your undivided attention as we played dominoes and played make believe and pressed flowers and did life together.  Thanks for knowing me better than I know myself and for being so aware of my every thought.  Thanks for loving me with a love that seems, right now, to be irreplaceable.

Yes, I'm terrified, but just as I have been blessed to have you in my life, I am blessed to have such a big and loving family surrounding me.  I won't be alone.  I will be loved.  I will be known.  I just have to be brave enough to let others know me the way you know me.

So, Gram, with all of my heart and with all of my love and with rivers of tears, I want you to know that I am letting you go.  Please don't hold on for me.  I am going to be okay and I am so thankful that I have had someone in my life who makes saying goodbye so hopelessly impossible!  I love you so much!  I know you know that!  You are my heart and my soul and I am forever grateful for the love you gave me and for the person you helped make me.

Go hug Pappy and tell him that I still miss him each day.  I love you with all of me!

Your Girl, Jamethy Jomathy

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Hi Jamie, My name is Kathy and I have been following your blog forever.(don't remember how I came upon it) But I am certain if we lived closer we would be friends:) I live in Zeeland,Mi. But LOVE Colorado. I am praying for you today, your words echo what I went through with my dear grandpa 3 yrs ago. How blessed to have them in our lives, but so very hard to let them go. So thankful we KNOW we will someday have a glorious reunion with them! Holding on to His Promise, Kathy