Friday, August 16, 2013

Time With My Gran'ma

Time with my Gran'ma last weekend was good, hard, happy, sad, devastating, sweet, memorable, sad, sad, sad and sad.  We arrived late Thursday night and I tucked Tiki in and then I went and crawled into bed with my Gran'ma.  It was sweet time.  She was mostly asleep but as I wrapped my arms around her, she pat my arm and smiled.  That was sweet time.  I was happy and content and tears ran down my face.  I love her.  The next few visits weren't all that great.  Much of the time she wasn't fully in 2013.  She always knew who I was, but often she would ask me if I had "found a boy" and stuff like that.  It wasn't bad, it was just sad in a different way.

One day she told my dad that she was a little frustrated that I hadn't been by to see her yet (we were staying at her house) and that made me so sad because I knew she was looking forward to seeing me and the kids.  So, that night my dad came to her house with me.  She was already in bed, so I crawled into bed with her again and it was that sweet happy time again like the first night.  She was more awake and we talked about Pappy and we talked about old times with us together.  We sang some songs and had a perfectly sweet time.  In my mind I am ending on that visit even though there were a couple more after that.  The snuggle and happy time in her bed will officially be my last memory.  It was so special.

I talked to her about the player piano and all of my fun memories downstairs playing that.  I loved going down there by myself and feeling so grown up and I loved our family times down there singing together.  "A Boy Named Sue" and "Five Foot Two" were two of my favorites to play on the player piano.  I loved it there!
On one walk from my parents' house to my Gran'ma's house, I took this picture.  This is the tunnel to my happy place.  As I walked up this road as a child and to this day, all of my walls could come down. I would be immediately transformed into the real me who wore no masks.  This tree lined lane is the direct road to my happy place and I will cherish the memories I had at the end of that lane forever.
Now it seems like it is just a waiting game.  She is ready to die.  She is ready to go to heaven and be with her Savior and to be with Pappy, her true love.  She is in pain on this earth and she knows that she is often confused (that is hard to see).  Its time and I will be thankful when the Lord finally takes her.  My heart will break and I will feel lost and alone, but it is time.  I love my Gran'ma more than I can express and I am thankful for the billions of memories and laughs I have shared with her for nearly four decades!

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