Monday, May 6, 2013

Saddest Day. . . Maybe Ever

Wow.  Who knew that my heart could break so many times over the same thing. . . over a baby girl that I never even met.

As I wrote 3 months ago, (click HERE for post) we decided to withdraw our file from China.  I have a hard time saying "we" because I 100% do not agree with the decision, but I chose to trust Andy and follow his wisdom.

Today I received our official file from China with a letter saying they are sorry that we have had to withdraw from the list.

This really may be the saddest day of my life (top two for sure).  I thought my heart was already broken, but come to find out it was just chipped until now.  Now it is broken.  I have waited so long for this baby.  I want her so badly and the fact that I still don't understand the decision makes it that much harder.  I curled up in a ball on the floor and held our file (as if it were my child) and sobbed.  I'm still sobbing.  I want to hold her.  I want her to be part of our family.  I just want my baby girl!

The worst part was that I actually thought the packet was a referral for some reason.  I knew that our file had been pulled, but when I saw the folder from China with all of the Chinese writing, for some reason, I thought that our file wasn't actually pulled and that we had gotten a referral.  How crazy am I?  (Certifiable, I think!)  Then I realized what it was and that is when the flood gates broke open!

It is so hard to trust something you don't agree with.  I chose to trust that Andy had prayed about the decision.  I chose to follow his lead and support what he felt in his heart.  It is just so hard that I, too, prayed about the decision and I disagree 100%.  I do.  It is so confusing how two people can seek God's wisdom on one topic and come back with two totally different answers.  I still believe from the very depths of my soul that I am supposed to have her, that WE are supposed to have her.  I can only think of one good reason why we should have withdrawn and that one reason is because Andy said.  Maybe that is reason enough.  Maybe that what it means to submit.  I don't know.  Maybe I was too emotionally invested and attached to be able to step back and make the right choice.  That is what I am holding on to because other than that, I cannot think of a single reason why she shouldn't be in our family, why I shouldn't be waiting on a referral that literally should be coming any day.

To know that I have been waiting for this child since the day we sent in our application (October 2005) and have solid proof that she won't be coming is overwhelming me.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness, with anger, with grief, with confusion and with so many other emotions that I don't even know where to begin.  I just want to cry and cry and cry. . . and I am.  Why?!?!?!  I just don't understand.

And now what do I do with these feelings?  Clearly, receiving this file is closure, but I don't feel "closed."  I feel wide open and helpless.  I feel raw and exposed and hurt.

I guess my silver lining is that my life has been pretty good if I can honestly say that this is the saddest (or second saddest) that I have ever been.  And I can honestly say that.  I have been blessed, but that doesn't make the hurt any less.

So, maybe I'll head upstairs to my bed and curl up in the covers and cry myself to sleep.  I don't know.  I thought that blogging would help because it usually does.  It didn't.  I just don't know how to "file" these emotions where they can go and be put away.  It just keeps coming up and I just keep hurting and I just keep thinking that a huge mistake has been made and that is painful.

There you go.  Me.  Raw.  Hurting.  Sad.  Confused.  Lost.


The Stiffs said...

Saw this from Facebook. I am so so sorry. I'm saying a prayer for peace.

Tracy said...

Sending you deep, heartfelt, tight hugs of friendship and love. I'm going to send you a long private message on Facebook now.

Love you.

Randene and Trevor said...

You don't know me, but we were one of the families trying to adopt from Rwanda before they closed the program. We were approved, and waiting for 4 years. It was devastating and heartbreaking to learn I would never be a mom. I wanted to try again. My husband said no. He couldn't do it. That was a year and a half ago. The pain doesn't go away, but it does get easier. I am thinking of you through this heart breaking time. I learned of your blog through other Rwandan families, and your blog fills me with joy that you have been able to grow your family through adoption. I know that does not make it any easier, but I wanted to know that your blog has helped me through the pain of feeling that I will never meet my Rwandan baby.

The Writer Chic said...

I'm so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing right now.