Monday, February 4, 2013

O, Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble

So, this post has nothing to do with that old country song by Mac Davis (1980), but I thought I'd start out with his song because it makes me laugh (and I need a good laugh today).

O, Lord, it's hard to be humble
When you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror
'Cus I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man
O, Lord, it's hard to be humble
I'm doing the best that I can

This post actually has the exact opposite to do with that song.  (Warning, this is going to be a very vulnerable post from the depths of my soul. . .it may get ugly.)  I may have the world's worst self image.  Seriously and I feel like over the past several years it has gone down hill fast. . .worst and getting worser (not a word, but it works).  I struggle with inadequacy from the very core of my being.  I never feel good enough.  Never.  I'm too fat or too ugly or too mean or too boring or whatever.  I am trapped by those lies and it seems like it has turned into a pit that I cannot crawl out of (please do not give me a pep talk in the comment section. . .I know how toxic this is.)

And over the past several years, it seems like it has been brought to my attention in the most heart wrenching ways and as a result, I feel like the Enemy has a foot hold and he knows he has me in this area.  Mostly it is just lies I tell myself about myself and then I believe them.  I'm not a good enough wife because I can't cook or I don't clean very well or I'm not very good at conversation or I don't look the way I think I should look or I'm not fun enough or whatever.  That takes me into this spiral of inadequacy and then I fall into the paralyzing fear that Andy won't want me and he'll pick someone else.  Dumb.  I know.

Along with my desire to be the best wife I can be for Andy, I want to be the best mom I can be for my kids.  I know that I'm not the most amazing mom and I really am fine with that.  I don't help in all of the classrooms and I don't make great little party treats or other crafty things that scream "Super Mom."  I don't feel like I need to be that person.  I just want to be a good mom who loves her kids.  I want my kids to know that I love them and that I gave myself for them.  When they look back, I want them to look back with love and happiness at what we shared.  But recently, it seems like it has been made obvious to me on several occasions that I'm not a good mom and I am hardly even an adequate mom.  I seem to be a huge failure in the mom-field and I am crushed.  Again, I am in a major spiral of inadequacy and I have shed many tears over that recently.

Today I went to the school where I teach and it was decided that today would be the day that the students got to tell me what a terrible teacher I am.  Oh my goodness.  On any normal day (not in the past three years), I would have handled it with suburb grace.  I, however, did not.  The tears started flowing and since I've been sick, so did the snot.  It was ugly. 

I'm not writing for a pity party or for compliments.  I promise, I don't want either.  I'm just venting on "paper" because I have found that when I am honest, I make at least one person realize that she is not alone in her struggles.  So, this is just about honesty.  Also, when I write it makes me feel better, so I'm being oh so selfish.

I chose the "O, Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble" title for two reasons.  First of all, I have found myself crying out to God (literally) about this struggle I am dealing with.  I have been crying out to Him because I need help in this battle and I have been crying out to Him because I feel like I am so done with it and I want Him to realize that I don't need one more reminder in my life about how inadequate I am.  CRYING OUT.  And secondly, I feel like I have been "humbled" so much lately.  So many people have taken the time to point out how I am failing and I am literally exhausted to the point of exhaustion.  (Nice use of my words.)  I'm exhausted.  I don't feel like I need to be humbled because I don't really feel like my pride is something that I struggle with, but obviously it is our I wouldn't be feeling humbled.  I don't know.

All of that to say that I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm frustrated.  I'm hurt.  I'm exhausted.  And I'm sick of all of these feelings.  I'm sick of feeling not good enough.  Maybe getting it "out there" will make me realize that I need to come out of my spiral.  Andy uses this analogy often and it hits home for me each time.  You know those things in Wal Mart that you put a coin in and it spins around and around first in big circles slowly and then faster and faster as the circles get smaller?  That's what I feel like.  I'll be be-bopping along having a great day and one person will say one thing to me and BAM! my quarter has been dropped into the spiral and there I go.  What is that?

(See image below of analogy.)
So, there's me today.  My ugly truth.  It is and I know it.  I'm not proud of it, but I really do feel like sharing my struggles is a help to me and to others.  I love knowing that I'm not alone in whatever it is that I'm dealing with.  Hearing that others struggle makes me feel more normal and less of a train wreck.  If you're a prayer, that is how you can pray for me.  If you're not, then just be thankful that you aren't as pathetic as I am!  (Sarcastic font needed there.)

O, Lord, it's hard to be humble.  Oh yes, it really really very much is!  


emily said...

Thanks for your honesty. You are not alone. This is the enemy's attack on us, as women......we are always juggling SO many balls and then feel that we aren't doing any of our jobs well......I try to repeat 2 Cor 12:9 over and over. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness.

I know this post will resonate with many women but don't believe the lies you are being are loved by many!

Sarah W. said...

I completely understand!! I spiral quickly, as well. It is crazy. I can go from having a good day to feeling like my life is falling apart with one comment.

I read a blog a few months ago that really helped me. It basically said to consider the source. If the source is someone near to me who is invested in seeing me become all that God intends me to be, to listen to their criticisms (even if it hurts). But if it is someone random who really doesn't care that much, to not listen.

Of course, those near to us can still hurt us with their words, but automatically eliminating pointless criticisms is helpful (though I do not always follow my own advice!).

Anyway, you are definitely not alone, and I am thankful to know I am not alone. I appreciate your honesty and am thankful for you!

(You don't know me, but I enjoy your blog immensely).