Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Gong Hey Fat Choy (Late)

I know, I'm a day late (2 days late now because we had no internet yesterday), but the Kindergarten Chinese New Year celebration was today and it threw me off.  Gabby went to school this morning looking like the best little Chinese girl she could and I must say that she pulled it off rather well.  She's adorable.  Fact!
This Chinese New Year has been so painful for me.  This should be our last one without our baby from China.  Next year, after waiting nearly a decade, we would be celebrating Chinese New Year with her in our arms.  However, we've decided that we're stopping at five.  And I use the phrase "we've decided" very loosely because I am submitting to the wisdom of my husband on this decision as my heart crumbles all around me.  I'm devastated.

The decision was made before Christmas and that is when my heart actually shattered, but today we got an email from our adoption agency saying, "Congratulations!  You are 'on deck'!  Your group is our next group to receive referrals. . . ."  (I obviously haven't called our agency to tell them that we're out because I just can't bear to do it.  I can't.)  Here is a word picture for what that email felt like (disclaimer: I am not trying to hurt or offend anyone with this word picture, it is just how I am feeling):  in December I was dragged into an abortion clinic against my will.  Today I had a follow up appointment and the doctor told me that there is still a heart beat.  That's how I feel.  Hearing the heart beat when you're preggers is the best thing ever!  Getting a congratulations you're on deck email in adoption is the best thing ever!  But in this case it's the worst.

I'm so sad all over again.  And it is such a hard sadness to know what to do with.  I feel like I've lost a child that wasn't ever mine except in my heart.  That leaves me feeling very alone.  I've been emotionally pregnant since we "conceived" in October 2005 and here I am Chinese New Year 2013 and it is really over (Andy is making the call to the agency today).  It's over.  My heart is shattered all over the floor. . .there are pieces under the dresser and stuck in the cracks that I may never recover (a little dramatic, but that's where I am right now).

I know one day I'll understand.  I'm choosing to trust Andy and his wisdom right now.  One day there will (I hope) be an "ah ha" moment when I will see clearly why.  Thankfully I have five wonderful children who I am so thankful for and so blessed by.  I love my family.  And now it is complete.   I don't get it and I'm sad, but I know I'll learn something valuable. . . when and what is unknown!

So, I hope you had a happy Chinese New Year.  I did not, but today will be better and tomorrow even better and so on.

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