Thursday, January 17, 2013

No Fear In This Love

(I'm laughing that Andy blogged about fear today because I'm about to blog about fear and it won't be nearly as spiritual.  I'm thankful that he blogged first so that I don't feel like his "have no fear" was pointed at me!)

This past weekend I hopped in my car and headed to Branson as quickly as I could.  My dad called on Wednesday and told me that the doctors suggested that it may be a good time to say goodbye to my Gran'ma.  So, I called my friend, Wendi, in Colorado Springs and she agreed to make the trip with me.  I left before the sun rose on Thursday morning.

I got to spend the whole day Friday with my Gran'ma.  She's my rock.  She's my best friend.  I have always been her little girl!  I adore her!  Our time was great.  She was fairly with it and I just crawled in bed with her and we talked.  My brother, Cooper, was there too and my mom and dad were in and out.  It was a perfect day with her!

Saturday I woke up to a winter storm heading towards Branson and my dad thought it would be best for me to leave that morning instead of staying until Sunday.  I wasn't ready at all emotionally to leave.

I headed back to my Gran'ma's house and just held her and cried quietly.  She knew I was so sad and she kept rubbing my hand and telling me that we were made for each other.  I love her.  I do.  When it was time to go, I tried to be brave.  I kissed her and told her I'd see her in February and then I left.  But when I got to my car I literally couldn't move.  I couldn't leave her and I thought it was going to kill me.  I ran back into her house, jumped in bed with her and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  I held her so tight and just cried.  It was horrible.

She made me get up and promise to get home to my kids safely because they needed me.  (So what? I thought.  My Gran'ma needs me and I don't want to leave her!  I couldn't leave her.  I wanted her to die in my arms right then so that she wouldn't be without me in the end.  I know, I'm extremely selfish in my sadness.  Me!  First!)  I left her and I was dying.  I told my dad that I didn't think I'd be able to live without her and that is honestly what I was feeling.  How on earth will I live without this friend in my life?  I couldn't imagine.

Wendi and I hopped in the car and headed West towards and oncoming ice storm and then a winter storm in Colorado, too.  As I drove I kept thinking about not being able to live without my Gran'ma.  What a weird thought to truly believe.  I couldn't figure out why that was what my heart was telling me.  I thought all the way across Kansas and finally as night fell it hit me.  My relationship with Gran'ma may be my only relationship I have where I have no fear in her love for me.  It was plain as day when it hit me.  All my life I have never had any fear in her love.  I knew I was always good enough.  I knew I was always important to her. . . she always stopped whatever it was that she was doing to be with me.  I knew she wouldn't reject or betray me.  I have absolutely no fear in her love for me and it literally TERRIFIES me to know that all too soon, she will be gone and her love will just be in my dearest memories.

I spent the next few days dazed and terrified.  I couldn't talk about it.  I was just terrified.

Then yesterday a peace settled around me.  I don't have to be terrified.  I'll be sad.  I'll be more sad than I can imagine, but I don't have to be terrified.  There are a few other people in my life who I know love me and who will love me regardless.  I have to choose not to have fear in their love.  Andy will love me.  I have to stop letting the Enemy convince me that I may be too fat or too ugly or too bossy or too whatever for him.  I have to choose to believe that Andy won't leave or betray me.  I have to be confident in the fact that my kids love me and that even though the teenage years are in front of us and they may think they hate me for a moment, they will love me.  I'm their mom.  Period.  I have to be confident that I'll never disappoint my dad enough for him to stop loving me.  I have to grab on to the fact that my mom is amazing and wonderful and that she is never too busy to love me.  (She actually snuggled with me while I hid in Gran'ma's room and cried at one point during my trip.)  I have to CHOOSE to BELIEVE in LOVE!  I can't have fear in love.  True love cast out all fear and I am blessed to have family who loves me. . . truly.

But I was terrified.  I still don't know what I'm going to do when she dies.  She is my Gran'ma and to me, that word is so big and so deep!  My Gran'ma.  I wish I could describe all of the things that means to me, but in a way I'm glad that I can't because it is just ours.  We were made for each other and I am her girl and I love her with all of my heart!

And. . . I am choosing to live today without fearing the hurt which can come out of love.  I'm choosing love.  I'm choosing to be fearless.  That will be my battle daily, I know.  But it's a choice and I choose love!


heather alexander said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emily said...

Should have come with a need for kleenex warning. Love that relationship you have with her, what a treasure.

mandie lane said...

Big huge hug. Beautiful words, my friend. I'm here for you!