Saturday, September 8, 2012

Just Some Thoughts

I have so many things going around and around in my head.  So many thoughts and emotions.  Today Hays and Andy are at Chase's visitation today.  I'm sure that is why I am being so thoughtful (and I don't mean thoughtful in terms of thinking of others and their needs). 

Here are some things I'm thinking about:

First of all, I have good friends here.  Sometimes I don't really feel like I do because it is so different.  In Missouri I had hang out friends.  We would spend hours each week at one anther's homes.  I'm not sure our family ate meals without another family many times each week.  It was just different.  The other night at the open house for our elementary school I left totally overwhelmed by the friends that I have!  I'm not even sure I can describe it.  Kelly asked me to wait for her while she conferenced with a student's parents just so she could hug me and we could catch up for a few minutes.  Kate seemed so excited for me to be in her class a few minutes early so we could just be friends before we had to be parent and teacher.  April shocked me asking about Chase and telling me that she fasted on Thursday for he and his family and for our family.  I was blown away.  Rachel asked if she could bring me a meal or anything.  Wow!  I got the biggest hug and smile from Jessica and it truly was the icing on the cake!  And it was fun to run into Valerie and her girls.  I left school feeling so blessed and humbled by my friends here.

I'm thinking of burying my child.  I realize that I am not burying my child.  I'm so thankful for that.  But when your friend is burying her child, you can't help but think about burying your own child.  It is an awful thought.  I cannot fathom it.  My heart is breaking for Melissa.  Right now she is standing at a visitation watching a bunch of parents walk by with their healthy 13 and 14 year old boys saying goodbye to her son while he is just lying there.  (I do realize that his soul isn't there, but this is the last time she will see his body.)  My heart broke the last time one of my girlfriends had to bury her child and it is breaking again.  I love you, Melissa and I wish you could snuggle up with your boy in your home tonight!

I'm thinking about Lesley.  I'm so thankful for her.  She is amazing!  She's a great friend and I get to have her around all of the time.  I'm so lucky.  And she loves my kids so well.

I'm thinking of my family.  I really miss my family from my Gran'ma and my parents to my siblings and my cousins.  I miss my family. 

I had many more "thoughts" when I sat down to write this post, but I can't remember them anymore.  I'm just thinking.  I'm thankful.  I'm sad.  I'm encouraged.  I'm loved.  I'm feel a huge hole of loss.  I'm feeling so overwhelmed with so many emotions. . . so I'm going back to the kitchen to finish baking cinnamon roll cupcakes (I'll keep you posted on how they turn out).  Food is the cure!!  :)

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