Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Mommy's A Cardiologist
We moms are so many different things: nurses, teachers, maids, chefs, lovers, chauffeurs. . . and the list goes on and on. Last night I added cardiologist to my Mommy resume!
Matters of the heart are so painful. Let me back up. Before the pain, they are so fun and exciting! The giddiness and the anticipation and the smiles. Matters of the heart are great (let's not go straight to Eeyore first)! But then they are painful. Yuck.
These chocolates are Maggie's. . .from a boy. . .yesterday. She was so happy about it and I was so happy for her! We got to have a fun talk and it was great to see her smile so big. I love her so much!
But then I went upstairs to my room and bawled my eyes out. My little girl. My little girl who I adore and love and want to protect. And I realized last night that I can keep her fed and clothed and pretty safe, but I cannot protect her heart and my heart broke just a little bit last night.
I started thinking about the boys who I have given my heart to. Thankfully the list is very short (my dad, my husband, one from kamp and one from high school). I think of how I entrusted them with my heart and how after the giddiness and excitement came hurt and betrayal and rejection. Yuck. The physical pain in my stomach and in my heart. I even did a pretty good job guarding my heart as a teenager. I definitely had my eye on the "prize" (Andy) before I ever even knew him (I knew he was out there), but my heart still got hurt and it has been hurt since.
So, part of my tears last night were about me and my baggage, but most of the tears were because as Maggie embarks on this part of her journey. . .boys and getting giddy about boys and letting boys have pieces of her heart (even if she is careful). . .I know that ultimately there will be tears and feelings of rejection and probably (but prayerfully not) betrayal. My little girl. I cannot protect her from that and I had to come to grips with that last night. I found myself verbally and tearfully giving her over to God. She isn't really mine anyway, He has just entrusted me with her for our time here, so who better to let be responsible for her heart? I can't do it!
Anyway, after much prayer and many tears on my pillow and some physical pain, I let go of my daughter and gave her to the Lord. "She's yours," I cried, "please protect her!" What else can I do? I know that I can help to guide her and listen to her and give her some advice when advice is needed. I know that a listening ear will be much more welcome most of the time. So, I'll be that person for her here on earth, but I have to come to grips with the fact that I cannot protect her sweet compassionate and loving heart.
I can be her cardiologist. I can advise her on what to avoid and be there for repairs when the time comes, but that is all I can do. Just like a real cardiologist can tell you to stay away from French fries and try to exercise daily, he cannot make you do it right all of the time. He can give advice and then clean up the mess you make of your heart when you don't listen or when life takes its toll. That's all. And that is why I have added cardiologist to my list of people I am as a mother.
Oh Maggie, I love you so much that it hurts. I pray you never hurt because of love, but I know you will. And I'll be here and I'll cry with you when you do! No matter what, I promise to love you forever and to protect you as best as I can! You're my doll and I am so thankful for you!
Love like your life depends on it. . .because it does!