Thursday, January 8, 2009

How I'm Feeling Right Now. . .Dear Lionel

I feel like you are slipping through my fingers.
You have never been in my hands, but you have been living in my heart.
My heart and my hands, how can you be in my heart and not be in my hands?
So, now I feel you slipping.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I need to release you.
Release my dream.
I think this may just be my defenses.
If I can release you before you are taken, then I haven’t really lost you?
But maybe it isn’t my defenses.
Maybe it is God.
Is God telling me to release you to Him?
Release you because He can bring you to me?
I can’t.
I’m afraid to let you go.
I’m so afraid.
I don’t want to give you up.
I want you in my heart and in my arms.
I want to hug you and hold you forever.
I want you to be a part of my family.
You are family.
How can we let you go?
I’m afraid to let God have you because then I’m not in control.
The funny thing is that even as I ‘hold on’ I have no control.
So why is this so hard?
Why do I feel like wanting you in my arms is such a bad thing?
I feel like if it were a good thing, then it would just happen.
Don’t children need families?
You aren’t getting any younger.
I’m afraid.
I’m sad.
I’m anxious.
I don’t have the peace I should.
The peace of letting go and waiting.
I definitely don’t have the patience I need.
I love you so much.
I’ve only met you once, but you branded my heart and my soul.
You have made an impression on me.
You are my son.
Writing that line petrified me.
What if you aren’t my son?
What if ‘they’ won’t let me have you?
What if God has plans different from mine?
So often His plans are so different from the ones I have in place.
That is why I’m so afraid.
I should be able to trust Him, His plan and His timing.
I want to fight for you.
I want to take an active roll in getting you into our home.
I also want to wait on the Lord like I know I should.
Where is the balance?
Please don’t slip through my fingers.
I love you.

6 comments:

Kimberly Kulp said...

Heartbreaking...yet beautiful. Keep writing and crying out to your Father. You ARE his mother, he IS your son, regardless of the future. Mothers have many different faces. I am praying you will hold him soon and sing the Lord a new song, a song of praise for Lionel's redemption.

Blessings come even in the rain...
Kimberly Kulp
thekulpfamily.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

Oh, JJ, I am in tears. I know how much he means to you!!! I am praying God's perfect peace in your heart, friend!!!

Julie said...

I want you to know I will pray for your family. There is a reason for the "branding" on your heart. I will pray that you find that reason and that you have peace. I am looking forward to reading God's miraculous touch.

Hays said...

you did awsome and you made me acualy cry

sabrina owens said...

yes Lord is working so you can get Lionel and i been every night for my friends for awhile and i love you and i hope meet you and the kids and see andy one day soon

'becca said...

...praying...