To Medicate Or Not To Medicate

That has been my question for several years. . . about Tiki.  It's actually been my question since before Tiki.  I work in summer camping and I see thousands of teens who are medicated for one reason or another, so I've been thinking about over-medication for a long time.  Then God gave me Tiki and brought the question into my home.

I think that ADD and ADHD is misdiagnosed and over-diagnosed and so on and so forth in this country.  I have many thoughts about this, but they'll remain inside my head for now.

But I find myself with my wonderfully spirited Tiki.  And there is nothing wrong with his wonderfully spiritedness!  Nothing.  But I know for a fact that he is struggling with PTSD and through research and research, I am finding that his PTSD is presenting itself as ADD/ADHD.  He doesn't necessarily have those, but that is how the PTSD is presenting itself in Tiki.  So what do I do with that?

I've tried several things and I've been way too impatient with him in the process.  I'll admit that.  I put all kinds of things into practice and they don't work.  Tiki just needs help focusing.  He doesn't choose to get distracted, he just does. . . constantly.  He isn't a bad kid.  He doesn't have a disobedient bone in his body (okay, maybe one or two), but he doesn't intentionally try to do things wrong.  He just does things wrong.

So,  I've done more research and I've talked to more people and I've decided to try medication.  My pediatrician is also an adoptive mom and also the mother of a bio child with attention issues and she is married to a psychologist who has other thoughts on medication.  She has given me some great counsel and I am following it.  She says that it won't hurt to try.  She is willing to fight with me and work to find the perfect medication for Tiki at this point in his life.  And she is willing to see that maybe that isn't the solution if, indeed, it isn't.  But together we are going to see if maybe we can help Tiki with medications for now.

There is a small part of me that thinks I may be doing the wrong thing.  Is medicating my child right?  I'm not 100% sure.  But if this will help him have more success, then I want that for him.  But do I want that for him if the cost is medication?  See, I'm torn.  But I'm trying this option because I want him to be successful. . . God knows he tries hard enough!

So, as of yesterday, I'm medicating.  I feel like an awful mom just typing that sentence, but for now I'm trusting that I am doing what is best for my boy.  We'll see. . . .

I Wonder . . . ?

I wonder. . . how many moms out there ever feel just completely overwhelmed?  How many moms feel ever like they are at their Witt's end?  How many moms walk from the dish washer to the laundry room and just think, "I need a vacation"?  How many moms just want to pull the covers up over their heads and go back to sleep?

Did my mom ever?  For some reason, I doubt it.  She is so all-together and calm and put together and on top of things.  That's my perception of her.  Did she ever crumple up in a ball on her bed and cry because she couldn't get her bra snapped?  (Yes, that happened to me today. . .the bra wasn't really what the tears were about, but it was the straw that broke this camel's back.)  I know she's a human and I would think that a human would have a moment or two like that, but I just can't imagine my mom ever doing that.  She's almost perfect.  (Do my kids think that about me?  NO!!)

I can't imagine many people doing that and yet I know that I'm not that crazy.  I know that we are all in the same boat.  We all are busy and juggling a zillion things and spinning a million plates and feeling overworked and under-appreciated. . . aren't we. . .or am I alone on my life boat like Pi?

I'm working on grad school today (well, I was until the crying episode) and I'm supposed to do this big community project.  Most of the people in my classes are actually working in third world countries and actually working in community development.  I'm not.  Like I wrote before, my family is my community right now.  And then my crying moment mixed with my dishes and my laundry and my emptying the trash got me thinking about another community I'm in:  motherhood!  I wonder if my community project could be about being a mom?!!?  I have to believe that I'm not the only one feeling those feelings I wrote about in the top paragraph, but I wonder if as we are all feeling those things every once in a while (or maybe more), if we are feeling so completely alone in those feelings?  I do!  How can I make us all feel like we're in this together?  We're in community?

Just thoughts.  Just ramblings.  Just procrastinating actually (I don't want to get back to reading about Economic Development in Developing Countries and I don't want to fold the clean clothes sitting in the dryer and I don't even want to walk into my twins' smelly room to vacuum and on and on.  I'm procrastinating but I'm really wondering. . . . .)

So. . .here I sit. . .wondering. . . and now "Eye of the Tiger" just came on Pandora and I cannot miss this opportunity to let this song motivate me back down to the kitchen!  I'm off (but still wondering).

Braces Off

Hays got his braces off yesterday and I think (know) that I was more excited than he was.  He asked my why that was so and I told him that I think that since he is my first that everything is also a first for me.  Hays was my first kid to get his braces off.  I was giddy!  (I'm sure I embarrassed him several times throughout the day.)

We got to the orthodontist office and they were clearly as excited as I was. . .the whole office was Luau themed for the "braces off" day.  Hays got a lay and was escorted to his chair.  After the braces came off he got a bottle of sparkling cider and a bag of all the candy he wasn't supposed to eat with braces.  He also got a Rocky Mountain Chocolate gift certificate and we headed straight there for a chocolate covered caramel apple!

The front door of the office. . . all the kids getting their braces off yesterday.

Hays looks adorable!  He's so grown up and so handsome!  His gums are still pretty irritated, but the swelling should go down in another week or so.

After that we went out for a big lunch (sushi).  I dressed up and everything. . .maybe I was too excited!  I loved my date with my boy! 

Then the excitement ended because poor Hays then had to go to the doctor and we found out that he has walking pneumonia so he went straight to bed.

So, my baby is finished with braces (one down and four to go).  I'm so proud of him!!!

If You Want Something Done Right...

If you want something done right. . .then it isn't going to happen.  That's the kind of week I'll be having this week!

Kivu opened its gates last Monday.  We had a few guy counselors roll in to help clean up.  Last night our entire staff (nearly 100 college kids) showed up for our Staff Training Week.  This morning we had a group of 65 high school Seniors show up from Phoenix for their Senior Trip.  And meanwhile, back in Durango, my kids are still in school for two more weeks.  So, I'm trying to live in two worlds and spinning plates are getting dropped all over the place! 

I feel like I'm moving in four time speed fast forward (think DirectTV) and slow motion all at the same time.  I'm trying to be a good mom who doesn't drop the ball too much these last two weeks of school (trying to remember who has field trips when and which class I am supposed to bring snacks to when and so on and so forth) and I'm trying to make the retreat run smoothly as I schedule the students and sort out details.  Yikes!!!

One fun thing I got to do with Tiki and Gabby today, tough. . .Andy was leading a rafting trip and the timing was perfect that I could make it to the walking bridge with the kids and we got to yell and wave!  That was a highlight!!!

I love my two worlds, but when they collide. . .look out!

And then while I'm semi-complaining, Moore, Oklahoma has just been demolished by a tornado and that puts things into perspective.  Thankfully we have no current staff from there. . . one girl lives nine miles from there and she'll be calling home soon.  My thoughts and prayers are in Oklahoma.  So sad.

Anyway, if you need me, I'm spinning plates and juggling knives that are on fire while trying not to wrinkle my paper dolls!

Happy Anniversary

Sixteen years is a long time to be married to the same person (and it has been nearly twenty years since I fell in love with him).  I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy or beautiful for the entire 5844 days, but even in the bad times, I know that I am with the man of my dreams!  He has learned to be patient with me and he still laughs with (and at) me.  We have fun together and we still dream together.  I love my husband!

For me, it was practically love at first sight!  I knew I was going to marry that guy in my Old Testament class from the first or second week of Baylor.  I was so patiently persistent (is that possible) and finally he realized that I was the one for him!  We've been through tons of highs and lows together and I know that ultimately we have come out stronger!  I hope that our kids see us having fun together and not taking one another too seriously all the time.  I hope they see a mom and dad who are in love!

Andy, I love you.  Thanks for loving me.  Thanks for only seeing the best in me.  Thanks for being my husband, my best friend, the father of my children and the one with whom I dream!

Wedding Rehearsal 1997

Sixteen years ago today Andy and I graduated from college AND we had our Rehearsal Dinner!  What a day!  (And yes, it means that I graduated from high school TWENTY years ago this month.  What in the world?!?)

MA International Development

As some of you know, this week began the first week of my Master's program through Eastern University.  I'm getting my Master's in International Development so that the Kivu Gap Year can hopefully give students up to 31 hours of college credit in the future instead of just 12.

This year I'm taking six classes:  Intro, Community Development, Economic Development in Developing Countries, Leadership and Empowerment, Program Planning Marketing and Management and Theology of Poverty.  It is a two year course and for part of the two years I get to spend nearly a month in Uganda (this June & July) and nearly a month in Rwanda (summer 2014).  I am so excited and overwhelmed by all of this!!!

Today I started the Intro portion.  I had to write a paper on community based on a video I watched of my professors.  I thought I'd share that with you here.  (You'll be reading tons of my thoughts and writings about my classes over the next two years.)  The assignment was to write about a community I have been involved in that has shaped me.

My Family Community: Party of 7

At my stage in life right now, my family is my community.  We are Braner Party of 7.  We share genetics (some of us), values, respect, living quarters, memories, habits, traditions, beliefs, culture, dreams and much more.  In this family community we are shaping one another: we are making each other better through the good times and the frustrating times.  We exist together and we do life together.  My family community has been made in several different ways.  It has been made up by love as I fell in love with my husband twenty years ago and we started this community based on that love and our commitment to one another.  As my biological kids were born, our community became made up by love as well as genetics and shared experiences from the moment they entered our lives.  And then my family community was completed through another commitment to love and care as we adopted two from Rwanda (on two separate occasions).  My family of seven is a community that laughs, loves, cries, plays, engages, annoys, teaches, learns, prays and dreams together.  

The relationships in my family are based on daily active decisions.  Love isn't just something you feel on a good day.  Love is a decision to actively put another person's needs above your own.  Love is a verb that encompasses patience and kindness and bearing all things as I Corinthians 13 tells us.  Love has to be a choice because it isn't something you always feel.  Forgiveness is an active choice that has to be made and followed thorough with.  Trust is a action verb as it is earned and lost and re-earned in the family environment.  Hoping is another active choice and so on.  I feel like our family community is made up of constant active choices each second becasue we don't always feel the warm fuzzies but the lack of feeling doesn't make our community any less of a commitment to one another.

I loved how the program directors talked about community in the video.  I am thankful to be involved in a Master's program that is more than just classes and grades.  I'm thankful that Eastern is set up to be another community for me.  I look forward to growing with other students and teachers in a community that will be based on common interests and goals and experiences.  I know that living in Africa will speed up this community for the Uganda group I am in and I am so thankful for that.  I know that the community of Eastern will look very similar to my family community because of these commonalities we will have among one another and because of the active decisions we will make to remain involved in this community in a healthy way.

Because my season in life keeps me very tied to my family community of seven, I haven't had the opportunity to branch out into another community in a while and I am looking forward to finding community among the people in the International Development (especially Uganda) program.  In Genesis, God said that "'it is not good for man to be alone'" because the almighty Creator knew that even as Adam was dwelling with God in the most intimate relationship, he needed another human to live in community with.  Wow!  That is amazing!  God knew we needed one another and I am looking forward to having others in my life in community.

Our Songs. . .

First of all:  this seems like a long post because there are song lyrics all throughout.  You can do it!

I love when I'm driving down the road and one of "our" songs come on!  Who is "our"?  "Our" is me and ________.  I have a song for each of my kids.  It's a song that is special to my relationship with that one particular kid for a certain reason.  I love our songs!

For Hays, our song is "I Wish" by Heather Headly.  I've written about my song with Hays several times.  Click HERE and HERE to see those posts.  You can see the lyrics to "I Wish" on these previous posts and you can see some of the reasons why this song is important to me for Hays.  This song (as the rest of them) could easily be for any of my children, but Hays is my first and he will always hold that special place in my heart.  I want the very best for Hays but I don't want him to get the very best without being able to appreciate the little things or the reasons why the best is the best.  I love this song!  I love the lyrics.  I love the meaning.  I love my boy!

Maggie and I didn't really have a song until recently.  I just hadn't found the right one in my mind.  (I've never gone actively looking for a song for my kids, I just seem to feel it when I hear it.)  The other night Maggie and I were sitting at the kitchen counter and Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" came on and I started crying thinking about Maggie.  So, we have a song now!

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
 
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple 
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school
 
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up
 
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone
So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
 
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up 

For Tiki, our song is from Tarzan.  It is Phil Collins "You'll Be In My Heart."  It was his song before I met him.  It was just the song in my heart for us.  I knew I was getting him from a situation I wasn't familiar with and I had no idea what he'd be thinking.  In the only picture I had of him he looked so scared and I think that is why this song came to me.

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We need each other
To have, to hold.
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
[another version says: "Believe me, you'll be in my heart"]
I'll be there from this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart (you'll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say (I'll be with you)
You'll be here in my heart (I'll be there), always
Always
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there always. 

My song for Dax is Carole King's "Anyone At All."  I think this song makes me thing of him for a couple of reasons.  I really do feel like I can be myself with him and I am so comfortable knowing that he loves me regardless.  Also, we tried so hard to have Dax and lost two babies before him and I got pregnant with him on a month that I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant.  So he really could have been anyone at all and I am so so so glad it was him!  God knew who I needed!

Funny how I feel more myself with you
Than anybody else that I ever knew
I hear it in your voice, see it in your face
You've become the memory I can't erase

You could have been anyone at all
A stranger falling out of blue
I'm so glad it was you

Wasn't in the plan not that I could see
Suddenly a miracle came to me
Safe within your arms I can say what's true
Nothing in the world I would keep from you

You could have been anyone at all
An old friend calling out of blue
I'm so glad it was you

Words can hurt you if you let them
People say them and forget them
Words can promise words can lie
But your words make me feel like I can fly

You could have been anyone at all\
And let that catches me when I fall
I'm so glad it was you

For Gabby, our song is from the movie Anastacia.  The song is "At The Beginning" and I don't remember when I first felt like this was our song.  But she loves it when this song comes on, too, because she knows that it is "our" song.  She was unexpected and it was so unexpected what she did to my heart!  We were strangers and now we are on this journey forever together!

We were strangers,
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are,
And I'm suddenly standing,
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you,
Unexpected
What you did to my heart, 
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

(Chorus)
And life is a road
And I wanna to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure

Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(Chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere
That made love in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothings gonna tear us apart

(Chorus)

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you. 

Andy Got A New Camera

Andy got a new camera on Friday (really Kivu got a new camera, but Andy was the first to open it).  He has been having a blast with it!  He's practicing all kinds of effects and settings and it has been really fun watching him get interested in photography!!!  I love to see him love something!

Weekend For The Memory Books

This past weekend was one highlight after another!  My parents came to town and that was long overdue!  That would have been highlight enough, but the fun and memories did stop there!

Friday and Saturday night Dax and Gabby had their dance recitals.  We all went to the Saturday night performance and it was priceless!  Watching my kids on stage was the best!  My smile was so big and I was so excited and so proud of them!



We didn't do anything else necessarily "special" this weekend, but I just needed that time with my parents.  It was such great family time!  My kids were so happy to be with GoGo and Pops and everyone was just happy!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day brings up so many things from deep inside of me.

First of all, to my mom.  She is amazing!  Today was the first mother's day since Y2K that I have gotten to be with my mother and I am so thankful that I got to wake up with her in my house!  She is wonderful!  She is the most selfless person I have ever met.  She is steady and diligent and caring and compassionate.  She gets it all done. . .I am always amazed by the things she gets done.  The best part is that she has become one of my best friends.  I love being with her.  I miss her so much each day and when we finally get to be together I feel complete.  I love my mom.  She is one of a kind.

Secondly, I think of my Gran'ma.  She's my dad's mom, but I think of her on Mother's day.  I love her more than I can say.

Thirdly, I think of my mother-in-law.  I really did gain a second mom when I married Andy and she is a wonderful mom!  She is happy and positive and funny and loving!  I have a fantastic mother-in-law and I am so thankful!

Fourth, I think of me.  I'm a mom. . .my five amazing kids made me a mom (I guess, technically, Hays made me a mom).  Today was the best Mother's Day.  My three littles gave me the cutest hand made gifts that they made in school.  I got a painting from Gabby, a pencil box from Dax and a recipe book from Tiki.  Then this morning I woke up to the mother of all Mother's day gifts.  Andy (and the kids) got me a family sized tent with a box of graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate.  That was such a wonderful surprise!  I love camping with the family and I'm so excited for our family tent!  We are going to make some super memories!!!  I also got a dozen roses from Hays.  And as if that wasn't all perfect, I woke up to a note on my computer from Lesley to push "play" for a Mother's Day video.  It was perfect!  She had the kids saying all kinds of wonderful things about me.  It was dear and sweet and funny and just perfect.  Hands down this was my best Mother's Day ever!

And lastly, I think of Tiki and Gabby's tummy mommies.  I think of them because I want them to know, somehow, that their darling babies are fine.  They are loved and they are thriving.  I want them to know that I think about them almost every day.  I don't know where they are or what they are doing or even if they are alive, but I just want them to feel a warm feeling knowing that their babies have a place they can call home.  I don't know.  I just know that today (like many other days), I think of those two women in Rwanda and I know that we are connected somehow.

So. . . Mother's Day.  It was a TEN!  I'm so blessed to be surrounded by fantastic mothers and I am so thankful that five littles call me "Mom" or "Mommy" or "Mama!"  I am blessed and thankful! 

Spring Recital: Dress Rehearsal

Tonight was dress rehearsal for Gabby and Dax's Spring dance recital.  I was a little skeptical going in because after watching them in class earlier this week, I was disappointed by how bad they were (all of them) for how many months they've been working on the dances.  But tonight at the rehearsals with the lights and the costumes and everything. . .it was wonderful!  I was all smiles and giggles as I watched.  It was the best dress rehearsal ever!!!

Gabby tap dances as a bumble bee in her first number.  Then she does a quick change into an angel and does ballet to the Victoria's Secret commercial song (sweet).  Dax does a break dance "number" later on in the recital and I put "number" in quotes because I'm not sure that his teacher did one ounce of choreography! 

The shows are Friday and Saturday nights.  My parents are flying in tomorrow and we are all going to the Saturday show. . .I think my two will have the biggest fan club (bonus of having a zillion siblings).

So, for now, enjoy the unofficial pictures!!!

Dax is the one with the red shoes!  Love him!

Saddest Day. . . Maybe Ever

Wow.  Who knew that my heart could break so many times over the same thing. . . over a baby girl that I never even met.

As I wrote 3 months ago, (click HERE for post) we decided to withdraw our file from China.  I have a hard time saying "we" because I 100% do not agree with the decision, but I chose to trust Andy and follow his wisdom.

Today I received our official file from China with a letter saying they are sorry that we have had to withdraw from the list.

This really may be the saddest day of my life (top two for sure).  I thought my heart was already broken, but come to find out it was just chipped until now.  Now it is broken.  I have waited so long for this baby.  I want her so badly and the fact that I still don't understand the decision makes it that much harder.  I curled up in a ball on the floor and held our file (as if it were my child) and sobbed.  I'm still sobbing.  I want to hold her.  I want her to be part of our family.  I just want my baby girl!

The worst part was that I actually thought the packet was a referral for some reason.  I knew that our file had been pulled, but when I saw the folder from China with all of the Chinese writing, for some reason, I thought that our file wasn't actually pulled and that we had gotten a referral.  How crazy am I?  (Certifiable, I think!)  Then I realized what it was and that is when the flood gates broke open!

It is so hard to trust something you don't agree with.  I chose to trust that Andy had prayed about the decision.  I chose to follow his lead and support what he felt in his heart.  It is just so hard that I, too, prayed about the decision and I disagree 100%.  I do.  It is so confusing how two people can seek God's wisdom on one topic and come back with two totally different answers.  I still believe from the very depths of my soul that I am supposed to have her, that WE are supposed to have her.  I can only think of one good reason why we should have withdrawn and that one reason is because Andy said.  Maybe that is reason enough.  Maybe that what it means to submit.  I don't know.  Maybe I was too emotionally invested and attached to be able to step back and make the right choice.  That is what I am holding on to because other than that, I cannot think of a single reason why she shouldn't be in our family, why I shouldn't be waiting on a referral that literally should be coming any day.

To know that I have been waiting for this child since the day we sent in our application (October 2005) and have solid proof that she won't be coming is overwhelming me.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness, with anger, with grief, with confusion and with so many other emotions that I don't even know where to begin.  I just want to cry and cry and cry. . . and I am.  Why?!?!?!  I just don't understand.

And now what do I do with these feelings?  Clearly, receiving this file is closure, but I don't feel "closed."  I feel wide open and helpless.  I feel raw and exposed and hurt.

I guess my silver lining is that my life has been pretty good if I can honestly say that this is the saddest (or second saddest) that I have ever been.  And I can honestly say that.  I have been blessed, but that doesn't make the hurt any less.

So, maybe I'll head upstairs to my bed and curl up in the covers and cry myself to sleep.  I don't know.  I thought that blogging would help because it usually does.  It didn't.  I just don't know how to "file" these emotions where they can go and be put away.  It just keeps coming up and I just keep hurting and I just keep thinking that a huge mistake has been made and that is painful.

There you go.  Me.  Raw.  Hurting.  Sad.  Confused.  Lost.

SOLD!

 Wow!  After one thousand five hundred and fifteen days on the market, our home in Branson is no longer ours.  What an answer to many prayers!

That house. . .if those walls could speak.  I built my dream home and I loved every ounce of energy I put into making every single part of it perfect!  I loved my gigantic kitchen where everyone could sit around the counter or in the comfy chairs and talk or watch TV or chat with me while I cooked.  I love all of the people who sat in that kitchen with me.  I love the full glass front door that open and closed so very often as people came in and out of that home.  I love the zebra carpet in Maggie and Gabby's room.  I love that the couch in the playroom was such a comfy place for so many past Kivu staff.  I love that our home was never just ours. . .Jarod Sickler lived with us for five years, Pete Majors lived with us for one year, Adam Martin lived with us for two years, LaVetta & JayJay & KiKi lived with us for nearly two months. . . and on and on and on.  I loved the yard that Andy worked endlessly on.  I loved my master bath with my big tub that hosted all of us (seperately) on many many occasions.  Bringing Dax home from the hospital into that home and bringing Gabby home from Africa to that home.  I love that the house was FULL of friends almost all of the time:  the Pierson family and the Blackwell family and the Nimrod family were very frequent visitors along with countless adoption groups and White Family dinners.  The Braner Family reunion and the Kanakuk friends.  The parties I threw just to throw a party (the cake party) and all the other reasons and non-reasons that my home was filled with laughter and love!  I love all of the memories I have from that house. . .the laughter and the home studies and the first steps and the love and the moments.  I thought this was going to be a big long post, but just writing about my friends and just typing the word "moments" sums it up for me.  Moments.  A gazillion moments that are all mine and will always be in my heart.

I loved that house.

I am so thankful that it is not ours now.  We prayed for more than four years that it would sell and today it sold and I am so very thankful.

I thought I'd be a little sad, but I'm not.  I'm just so grateful.  And I know I'll have those "moments" in my soul forever.  Those times in the green chairs with dear friends.  Those bath times with toddlers and bubbles all over the floor.  The band aids and the parties and the hundreds of Mazzio's pizzas that were delivered.  My moments. 

What a great home it was.  Thanks, house, for being my home!

Happy Birthday, Gabby!

She's six!?!  How did that happen? 

She's the light of our lives.
She's hysterical.
She's stubborn.
She's sweet.
She's compassionate.
She's smart.
She's silly.
She's friendly.
She can dish it.
She can take it.
She makes me smile.
She makes me laugh.

Gabby came into our lives and rocked our world and we are all better because of her.  I truly cannot fathom our world without her right here in the middle of it.  She has changed us in so many ways and I wouldn't trade one minute of her for anything.

She's a love.
She's a doll.

I love her. 
I just can't get enough of her.

My baby girl.  How can she be six already?

Happy Birthday, Gabs!  I love you more than you could imagine!

Mary & Martha

Saturday night we watched HBO's "Mary & Martha."  It is a great film about a friendship formed between two women after they have each lost their sons to malaria and the passion that comes from that loss to make the world safer from malaria.  It was so well done.  If you didn't get to see it, try to watch it on Hulu or whatever!  It was fantastic!!!

Walks With My Hubby

Andy and I have discovered "walks."  With five kids and 100+ days of travel each year, it is hard to find time for us.  Dinner dates can be expensive.  Once I put the kids to bed, I'm wiped out.  He is not a morning person.  Weekends are filled with kids and noise and wonderful chaos.  But we have found that when we take walks, we have 45 minutes of just the fresh Colorado mountain air and each other.  I love our walks.  They happen two or three times a month max, but they are so refreshing for me.  I love getting him to myself and I love the way I feel the stress leave his body as we walk our "circle" and talk to each other about the stuff and the junk.  I love to get to be his listening ear.  I love that he is my listening ear and I really feel like these walks are the only times that it is just us being us.  I love our walks and I hope they never stop!

Thanks for the walk today, sweetie!  I love you!

Relax!

We just had the most relaxing and fun family time!  It was top notch!  For over a year, we have been planning this fun Spring get away with my parents.  I researched so many fun places to accomodate everyone (my dad likes high adventure and my mom would rather read a book by a pool which is close to the ocean).  I had a blast planning the trip!  Unfortunately, my parents had to cancel, but they were gracious enough not to make us cancel, too!

So, I turned in all of my frequent flier miles I have been saving up to go get our China baby and we headed to Mexico!  Free trips are awesome and free trips with family are even better!  And free trips with family that are relaxing are bar none!

I think it was so relaxing because there was zero agenda.  We just were.  If the kids wanted to go to the pool, they could.  If they wanted to go to the beach, they could.  If they wanted to stay in the room, they could.  Nothing or everything.  And we slept 10-14 hours every night which really enhansed the feeling of relaxation.

We loved being our family!  We loved having Andy with us.  We all really enjoyed the time!  It was a ten! 

And then on top of the great beach part, we had a frequent flier miles bonus!  American frequent flier miles are not really easy to use, so our trip home went from Mexico to NYC where we had an 18 hour lay over and then we flew to Dallas before making it back to Durango.  Look at a map. . .weird.  However, we made the most of it!  A Kivu mom picked us up at the airport and then she and her daughter gave us the locals tour of the Big Apple.  We were walked out and we crashed hard in her home before catching our next flight.  NYC was the cherry on top of our great family vay-cay!!!